i re-realise i am uncomfortable reading my old posts...
its weird man - doesnt feel like its me saying it.
too whiny, too vulnerable
Now - what do i want to do with this life ive
been given?
recap agn -
things i desire - Air game, anime, new PC
hobbies interests - cooking, mebe airgun?
mebe play guitar, piano, violin?
needs- shoes
responsibilities- insurance, savings, health protection
shoulds - class 3 license
Is there anyth i want to pursue? To become? besides
targets of financial stability by early 30s etc - isnt
there someth i should want to Become?
nanika naritai?
does it hv to be occupational?
jobs considering - ATC? copywriting, cook
should i stay on? gng to indon for a year souns interesting
enuff to do - but purchasing? hmm am i ready? y did
andrew say I am good? is it just kind words?
is my heart alredy not herer?
is looking at personal interest e.g. anime comics musuems
an unwise choice to align wif career prospects?
if i stay on here - a year overseas... or more
tt would defn clock up definable experience...
but would it be unwise?
wt does God want me to do - i am merely seeking tt
as a genie or magic 8 ball option - i thot abt it abit
and no i dont think im willing to give up my life
no... its not a sincere searching
so how - i wan to quit n buy JB anime n nua at home
no money tho - 26 yrs comign and no nothing i spose
wtf to do wif this life
benefit society? yes i thot leave the money-making to
other sporeans - i want to beenfit society and my
family. How - i believe there are many ways to live
to survice to make enuff money to live
but i guess i dont know the ways
im tired n dun feel like writing anymore
Friday, May 12, 2006
Perhaps not everyone desires happiness.
While its logical that all of us want to be
happy most if not all the time,
we sometimes wish for not happiness
but suffering.
In XXXholic, a teenage girl pretended
to be plagued by evil spirits, gaining
sympathy and attention from her friends,
scorning the reassurance from the protaganist
- who really could see evil spirits - that
she was fine. She got what she wanted when
evil spirits really did came to rest upon her.
Maybe I am like that too -
martyr complex. I want to live every day fully-
but today just rested/nuaed home - not
very prodcutive. Job - did I choose this
because I wanted to be challenged or
I wanted to bitch about something?
I sometimes enjoy telling friends - oh im
not doing too well in this, its so hard etc etc-
its probably because I desire sympathy and
pats on the back - "oh u poor thing u"
as opposed 2 really wanting to do well and improve.
what do i want to do in my leisure -
stuff on the list-
japanes lessons, driving - but do I enjoy these?
Yishun air pistol...
I used to enjoy video games,
I enjoy eating good food,
meeting old-ish friends.
Why is it when I have so much time now I dont
know how to enjoy it?
Is it the God complex? Is it really the case that
I need it - I cant be truly happy without?
That would defninitly turn life upside down agn.
But i dont like being made to feel everything
is a big moral decision - everything is difficult and
bad - guilt.
But mebe its I who make myself feel that.
I run to lose fat n make myself look good
I enjoy the process but do not enjoy the making
myself do it.
What hv i enjoyed in the past?
Games, movies, cooking, drawing and colouring.
Surely I can start drawing and colouring again?
But we change over time - mebe I have new things I love
anime is enjoyable but has its limits.
I do enjoy visits to the museum.
Tomorrow I will wake not too late so I can begin work
early. I shall visit CC and draft my trip report.
Perhaps I shall arrange for supper as well.
I do not feel like meeting up with the BB boys-
do i hold grudges? I was never close to them.
But did I feel that way then? not the resentment no.
Perhaps I just resented how I was made to feel small.
But who made me feel that way? No one set out to do that.
It was I who ultimately decided to feel that.
And circumstance. Is it because I think too much of myself?
Or start well but finish poorly?
The feeling of being let down.
I still remember things and events - people-
that might be considered to have let me down.
While I readily admit that I let myself down more-
I dont think I do so out of resolving this but
to verify myself as being sensible. A qualifier of sorts...
I just want to live everyday well and be happy.
I want to smile.
I want to use my heart.
What is real and not. Perhaps I should meet grace.
While its logical that all of us want to be
happy most if not all the time,
we sometimes wish for not happiness
but suffering.
In XXXholic, a teenage girl pretended
to be plagued by evil spirits, gaining
sympathy and attention from her friends,
scorning the reassurance from the protaganist
- who really could see evil spirits - that
she was fine. She got what she wanted when
evil spirits really did came to rest upon her.
Maybe I am like that too -
martyr complex. I want to live every day fully-
but today just rested/nuaed home - not
very prodcutive. Job - did I choose this
because I wanted to be challenged or
I wanted to bitch about something?
I sometimes enjoy telling friends - oh im
not doing too well in this, its so hard etc etc-
its probably because I desire sympathy and
pats on the back - "oh u poor thing u"
as opposed 2 really wanting to do well and improve.
what do i want to do in my leisure -
stuff on the list-
japanes lessons, driving - but do I enjoy these?
Yishun air pistol...
I used to enjoy video games,
I enjoy eating good food,
meeting old-ish friends.
Why is it when I have so much time now I dont
know how to enjoy it?
Is it the God complex? Is it really the case that
I need it - I cant be truly happy without?
That would defninitly turn life upside down agn.
But i dont like being made to feel everything
is a big moral decision - everything is difficult and
bad - guilt.
But mebe its I who make myself feel that.
I run to lose fat n make myself look good
I enjoy the process but do not enjoy the making
myself do it.
What hv i enjoyed in the past?
Games, movies, cooking, drawing and colouring.
Surely I can start drawing and colouring again?
But we change over time - mebe I have new things I love
anime is enjoyable but has its limits.
I do enjoy visits to the museum.
Tomorrow I will wake not too late so I can begin work
early. I shall visit CC and draft my trip report.
Perhaps I shall arrange for supper as well.
I do not feel like meeting up with the BB boys-
do i hold grudges? I was never close to them.
But did I feel that way then? not the resentment no.
Perhaps I just resented how I was made to feel small.
But who made me feel that way? No one set out to do that.
It was I who ultimately decided to feel that.
And circumstance. Is it because I think too much of myself?
Or start well but finish poorly?
The feeling of being let down.
I still remember things and events - people-
that might be considered to have let me down.
While I readily admit that I let myself down more-
I dont think I do so out of resolving this but
to verify myself as being sensible. A qualifier of sorts...
I just want to live everyday well and be happy.
I want to smile.
I want to use my heart.
What is real and not. Perhaps I should meet grace.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
what does the snail say when he rides on the turtle's back?
- "Wheeee!"
Experience is relative...
I started reading "Learning to Fall," by Philip Simmons, yesterday.
Its a book about life and how to better live it.
Its a little different from typical self-help books because
Simmons, the author, at the age of 35 was diagnosed with ALS,
or Lou Gehrig's disease. This condition wastes away the muscles
of its victim while the mind remains alert, and typically kills most
of its bearers in 3-5 years. At time of writing the first chapter of
this book, Simmons was 4 years into his condition.
Simmons would survive with the condition for 10 years, which
according to wikipedia 10% of patients with the condition do.
Ive only covered chapter 1, and from that, a general point he
brings across is that we ought to be appreciating life in the here and now,
about accepting ourselves failures and succcesses and all.
I think given his condition, he has the right to say something like that -
more than the typical anthony robbins type character yes?
He writes positively, not preachily, without pity for himself - While once
an active hiker, by the end of the book (as narrated in the preface), he is
wheelchair bound and arms have weakened such that he "barely has the
strength to blow his nose." Yet he shares that while by that time, he can no
longer climb his favourite mountains, he still can sit with his son in the fields
while his son identifies a hawk soaring in the sky...
I think most of us have encountered this general concept - that we are more alive
when we face death. I believe most of us believe this to be true, but how that impacts
our life differs from person to person. Some of us may have encountered death in
closer forms than others such as through a personal near-death experience, the passing of a
loved one... I wonder though, how does such knowledge impact the way we live our lives...?
I wish I could take that away - the knowledge and reality of our mortality... and improve my life.
Given that the author was only 35 when he was diagnosed, I count the years from my age to then,
and it is less than 10 years. Gosh i thought, if i stay in a job for 5 years, thats halfway til then already...
I began this post thinking about relativity... Specifically, about counting our blessings...
Most of us bitch and complain about a variety of things... most of us, at least in Singapore,
do have enough to eat, enough to rest, enough to even play... Most of us have a fully functioning
body... I compare my condition to the author's ... Surely I too, can learn to appreciate more,
dare more, live more. How though... these stories tend to fade from our memories and action
over time...
I wonder how I would react if I got into an automobile accident and came out of it
paralzyed from waste down... or a tetrapelagic like the guy in the New paper recently...
I like to think that Id amazingly handle it well... but surely that must be self-delusional.
I can't even handle my present situation of being unemployed cheerfully ... how do I progress?
There are many people in Singapore who do go hungry,
suffer various conditions... Here, I think we still have some
way to go before being able to include the physically disabled
into society - its a shame if we think about it -
many of the office based jobs out there require as much physical
activity as a person whos wheelchair bound - but these jobs don't
seem that available for those who ARE. I guess simple things
get in the way ... amenities, transport ... Or maybe I'm mistaken,
and things have improved ...
The irony of this post tho, is that isn't all this a sign that ive not accepted myself?
ahh well... strawberries on a clifff...
- "Wheeee!"
Experience is relative...
I started reading "Learning to Fall," by Philip Simmons, yesterday.
Its a book about life and how to better live it.
Its a little different from typical self-help books because
Simmons, the author, at the age of 35 was diagnosed with ALS,
or Lou Gehrig's disease. This condition wastes away the muscles
of its victim while the mind remains alert, and typically kills most
of its bearers in 3-5 years. At time of writing the first chapter of
this book, Simmons was 4 years into his condition.
Simmons would survive with the condition for 10 years, which
according to wikipedia 10% of patients with the condition do.
Ive only covered chapter 1, and from that, a general point he
brings across is that we ought to be appreciating life in the here and now,
about accepting ourselves failures and succcesses and all.
I think given his condition, he has the right to say something like that -
more than the typical anthony robbins type character yes?
He writes positively, not preachily, without pity for himself - While once
an active hiker, by the end of the book (as narrated in the preface), he is
wheelchair bound and arms have weakened such that he "barely has the
strength to blow his nose." Yet he shares that while by that time, he can no
longer climb his favourite mountains, he still can sit with his son in the fields
while his son identifies a hawk soaring in the sky...
I think most of us have encountered this general concept - that we are more alive
when we face death. I believe most of us believe this to be true, but how that impacts
our life differs from person to person. Some of us may have encountered death in
closer forms than others such as through a personal near-death experience, the passing of a
loved one... I wonder though, how does such knowledge impact the way we live our lives...?
I wish I could take that away - the knowledge and reality of our mortality... and improve my life.
Given that the author was only 35 when he was diagnosed, I count the years from my age to then,
and it is less than 10 years. Gosh i thought, if i stay in a job for 5 years, thats halfway til then already...
I began this post thinking about relativity... Specifically, about counting our blessings...
Most of us bitch and complain about a variety of things... most of us, at least in Singapore,
do have enough to eat, enough to rest, enough to even play... Most of us have a fully functioning
body... I compare my condition to the author's ... Surely I too, can learn to appreciate more,
dare more, live more. How though... these stories tend to fade from our memories and action
over time...
I wonder how I would react if I got into an automobile accident and came out of it
paralzyed from waste down... or a tetrapelagic like the guy in the New paper recently...
I like to think that Id amazingly handle it well... but surely that must be self-delusional.
I can't even handle my present situation of being unemployed cheerfully ... how do I progress?
There are many people in Singapore who do go hungry,
suffer various conditions... Here, I think we still have some
way to go before being able to include the physically disabled
into society - its a shame if we think about it -
many of the office based jobs out there require as much physical
activity as a person whos wheelchair bound - but these jobs don't
seem that available for those who ARE. I guess simple things
get in the way ... amenities, transport ... Or maybe I'm mistaken,
and things have improved ...
The irony of this post tho, is that isn't all this a sign that ive not accepted myself?
ahh well... strawberries on a clifff...
Sunday, March 05, 2006
r there ppl who succeed withouth mentors?
without inspiration in form of person or word
or emotion?
r mentors necessary?
blaming does nothing
wt do we do if not blame?
accept n grow?
is it better 4 me 2 simply think less
wt does it mean 2 think less-
slow down the brain- get back 2 basics
wt basiscs -
move seek pleasure but more than pleasure, Fulfilment
pursue
life is a pursuit
Life is a pursuit.
Let me start running... jogging
pacing is impt
mebe tts the thing - think slowerrrr
not less
move but move slower....graduall...
without inspiration in form of person or word
or emotion?
r mentors necessary?
blaming does nothing
wt do we do if not blame?
accept n grow?
is it better 4 me 2 simply think less
wt does it mean 2 think less-
slow down the brain- get back 2 basics
wt basiscs -
move seek pleasure but more than pleasure, Fulfilment
pursue
life is a pursuit
Life is a pursuit.
Let me start running... jogging
pacing is impt
mebe tts the thing - think slowerrrr
not less
move but move slower....graduall...
Monday, February 20, 2006
My 95-year plan
age 0 born
ages0-4 learn 2 walk n speak, get scalded by hot noodles, shit in my pants in living room
age 5-6 learn to use play-doh. them biscuits wif the spirally sugar is a school highlight
learn my first chinese characters. I remember a worksheet with a picture of a cat.
first use them watches wif music ... celebrates bday at school wif a realy cool cake-
them foxes and cottage n deer...
age 7 - school starts proper... met keith... catching n monkey bars are a school highlight
Durian ice cream sticks at 30c and yalkult at 50c are favs... save 10c/day...
learn pepsi-cola 1,2,3... the first and last time that tests return a score of 90plus constantly
miss the school bus and walk home. Girl i went home on bus wif - bell. We drew on the bus sometimes
age 8 - ms rosilas our form teacher... learnt hw to use them red seeds fr palm trees as torture
devices. Think i fell off the monkey bar once while "fighting" on it... winded.. oof.
Highlights of lower pri - 40c tau hway chui n chrs tea fr glass bottle. i wuz class monitor (glorified
book carrier) Kena threaten by bully wif penknife - didnt reali geddit anyhwos... idiot
Cheh cheh gets her PSLE results - Changi Multiplex is brave new happening place -
ppl queue all the way fr 2nd flr to roadside on 1st flr for Back to the Future II
age 9 - Join the scouts! ms rosila's the teach in charge... have lotsof trouble with "National Loyalty" test
First visit to Ubin... wt an adventure it
was... i stepped in a puddle - n it turnd out to b as deep as my knees - caught mosquitos
for scavenger hunt... ran back upon sighitng of basketball court - (ah!civilisation)
learnt hw to use rubber seeds as torture devices.
school starts offering chicken curry...yummy...
age 10 - start to eat more during recess n play less... not good.
scouts badge thingie slows down... never got my silver arrow i think..
start them eating competitions wif keith.. was the gifted streaming this yr?
i think so - had fun n pride with tt... finaly got the rejection letter tho..
get caught in the rain while running fr keiths' place during job week -
watch Batman with guys while soaking wet. often play
bottlecap shurkien with keith... Lied to mum kena big time 4 tt... i learnt
i dont know hw to lie. Played wif ninja turtles at eugenes place - maze
age 11 - the traumatic football experience and corresponding "inspired" essay - oh god
i read "what if there had been no lee kuan yew" at this age... hw boring
liked Michelle - plotted succesfully to kiss her on sch bus... finaly became Asst. Sixer-
sigh no leadership quality it seems. Corrected teacher succesuflly on mis-set test qn.
stupid me - i got tt one wrong... Pulau Tekong/Tekong Kecil
age 12 - Ms Chua! best teach... went on rubbish scrounging expedition wif ... the 24'ers?
(my project grp - 6 myopic ppl) made fish sculpture - gleams wif pride...
Liked Ni jiejun... heh... oh yar PSLE... hmm remember tearing abit when didnt get 250pts
cos cannot go DH wif keith... (thk god, on hindsight) -Water coolers appear in school!
No more playin during reces... js eat like pig. Kena wack by stranger who force us to play
playing supersoaker wif him... baka. By then, proli read stephen kind's the stand/IT...
Gerald treats class to Milano's... shiok.. I wack gerald in class - the idiot kicked me in the
balls during job week
age 13- the VS experience begins... scary n happening orientation camp-
ulu, cookd in mess tins, wild dogs call at nite... someth droppd on our tent.. damn shack
lotsof squats... AEP begins... so fun... photography, art theory. Joins BB -
bible quiz - studied like mad, at end reali onli ans 1 qn wich was in the first chapt of the bloody
text we studied - Jeremiah. Jeremiah was the son of " 2.4 timing - 18 mins. A v v shack
church camp - did rafting, mt biking among others...
age 14 - Mr Anuar the man... maggimee wif cheese n egg discovered. Made the Huge chessboard
wif ernest n firdauz.... the slacking bugger... Missed BB LDC bcoz of tham ching loon... the ass
AEP so fun... tho stress... 2.4 timing 17 mins went for NDP - so fun... 10pm eating at LJS
age 15 - strange stuff happns in life... nt gd.. drops AEP... sigh.. meets alex- gets beat by him in class
too often... irritating 2.4 timing 15 mins. Sigh didnt go for BB drill com... the twists of fate...
Ah Selena Sio i meet at chatsworth Int'l sch... Stil eat like a pig during recess...
age 16 - grew up! Najib comments - woah! 2.4 timing... abt 14 mins or 13 i think stil fail... Did tt psycho thing
scratch my neck til bleed in class.. Class BBQ - finally feel ok wif class... God... almost totally no romance
during sec sch days... O levels were fun... slack at Macs b4 exam... go in almost not prepared.. watch one
me first midnite shows wif alex - Titanic- hahahaha
age 17 - Got to noe Isnis n teck n jib finally... the VJ orientation experience... wao... Falls in love (crush?): Vivi n Jolene..
pent up frustration man i tell u... spent days slacking n gng 2 pway or tampines or toa payoh...
JC life was good... Haoran n carrom! Atas acitivity like save the environment... Start visiting Terra Cafe for
expensive coffee- starbucks does not exist yet in Spore
age 18 - Mr T continues--- skip mr leong's class wif guys... wt an experience... finally studies...
tho i realise too late, onli studied well for physical geog... haha... oh well.. oh yar- A level geog paper -
NO TOPO Mapppp!!!! alas... amazingly get a A2 for chinese... Keith goes to CJC... sigh
keep my hair longgg during the break b4 NS
age 19 - ta-dahhhh the much feared NS experience n HENDON camp...
meet at pasir ris park - parents r seperated... first instruction "Walkman? cannot bring- give back parents"
cant rem much of initial - i think collected uniform, they confiscated the snacks and medicine, and after parents left...
we tried on uniform at trg shack - Giraffe nonchalantly tosses his uniform to ground... Sgt Soliano rips him a new one...
welcome 2 hendon... BMT summary: No rest .. run run run move move... up down up down...
Pilot experience .... snake tt senior kept... super cold aircon n stripes on the shoulder...
vomiting, biscuits and SDO duty... too much food... $1400 !!!
QM dept, slackers n indian superiors who also slack . back to BST n 4th coy I discover Initial D!!
age 20 - more NS... demo screw-up... god always feel weird when i see him in NUS ... best boatman n Staff --- wts his name? the psycho... everyth collapses... y did it happn? is it my fault or theirs?
LOBO n Gundam Wing ! back 2 3rd coy n the CQ trauma... australia- beer beer n more beer..., oh! first strip show
almost lost 1000s of bucks of store.... hai kena sabo man... think i teared on way home once while listening
to Angel - sarah mclaughlan
age 21 - Thailand... heh kena scolded by CO for being late.. so funny...held up entire battalion leh... : P
the scariness of 3rd coy cq yet comfyness - no more pressure of tt sort...
ORDDDD - the joy! n the NUS experience... the fate n destiny of gng 2 arts camp...
the Rag n the Arts Club... wanfen! heh... the screw up of mktg
the anti-social ness of sem 2 n anime bingeing.. the cheonging... wild... the enxi n ge ge korean drama
so much happening... 9/11 n tuan coming wif scars all over...
age 22-23 - the relative peace... eunice pric pris n frances... js nuaing thru this yr n the next
age 24 - Thailand trip!! Funn... Honours yearr - jas jas... sigh... work n stuff school is shiok...
age 25 - graduation n trips... slacking... OK now wat...
Messy - may edit in future
age 0 born
ages0-4 learn 2 walk n speak, get scalded by hot noodles, shit in my pants in living room
age 5-6 learn to use play-doh. them biscuits wif the spirally sugar is a school highlight
learn my first chinese characters. I remember a worksheet with a picture of a cat.
first use them watches wif music ... celebrates bday at school wif a realy cool cake-
them foxes and cottage n deer...
age 7 - school starts proper... met keith... catching n monkey bars are a school highlight
Durian ice cream sticks at 30c and yalkult at 50c are favs... save 10c/day...
learn pepsi-cola 1,2,3... the first and last time that tests return a score of 90plus constantly
miss the school bus and walk home. Girl i went home on bus wif - bell. We drew on the bus sometimes
age 8 - ms rosilas our form teacher... learnt hw to use them red seeds fr palm trees as torture
devices. Think i fell off the monkey bar once while "fighting" on it... winded.. oof.
Highlights of lower pri - 40c tau hway chui n chrs tea fr glass bottle. i wuz class monitor (glorified
book carrier) Kena threaten by bully wif penknife - didnt reali geddit anyhwos... idiot
Cheh cheh gets her PSLE results - Changi Multiplex is brave new happening place -
ppl queue all the way fr 2nd flr to roadside on 1st flr for Back to the Future II
age 9 - Join the scouts! ms rosila's the teach in charge... have lotsof trouble with "National Loyalty" test
First visit to Ubin... wt an adventure it
was... i stepped in a puddle - n it turnd out to b as deep as my knees - caught mosquitos
for scavenger hunt... ran back upon sighitng of basketball court - (ah!civilisation)
learnt hw to use rubber seeds as torture devices.
school starts offering chicken curry...yummy...
age 10 - start to eat more during recess n play less... not good.
scouts badge thingie slows down... never got my silver arrow i think..
start them eating competitions wif keith.. was the gifted streaming this yr?
i think so - had fun n pride with tt... finaly got the rejection letter tho..
get caught in the rain while running fr keiths' place during job week -
watch Batman with guys while soaking wet. often play
bottlecap shurkien with keith... Lied to mum kena big time 4 tt... i learnt
i dont know hw to lie. Played wif ninja turtles at eugenes place - maze
age 11 - the traumatic football experience and corresponding "inspired" essay - oh god
i read "what if there had been no lee kuan yew" at this age... hw boring
liked Michelle - plotted succesfully to kiss her on sch bus... finaly became Asst. Sixer-
sigh no leadership quality it seems. Corrected teacher succesuflly on mis-set test qn.
stupid me - i got tt one wrong... Pulau Tekong/Tekong Kecil
age 12 - Ms Chua! best teach... went on rubbish scrounging expedition wif ... the 24'ers?
(my project grp - 6 myopic ppl) made fish sculpture - gleams wif pride...
Liked Ni jiejun... heh... oh yar PSLE... hmm remember tearing abit when didnt get 250pts
cos cannot go DH wif keith... (thk god, on hindsight) -Water coolers appear in school!
No more playin during reces... js eat like pig. Kena wack by stranger who force us to play
playing supersoaker wif him... baka. By then, proli read stephen kind's the stand/IT...
Gerald treats class to Milano's... shiok.. I wack gerald in class - the idiot kicked me in the
balls during job week
age 13- the VS experience begins... scary n happening orientation camp-
ulu, cookd in mess tins, wild dogs call at nite... someth droppd on our tent.. damn shack
lotsof squats... AEP begins... so fun... photography, art theory. Joins BB -
bible quiz - studied like mad, at end reali onli ans 1 qn wich was in the first chapt of the bloody
text we studied - Jeremiah. Jeremiah was the son of " 2.4 timing - 18 mins. A v v shack
church camp - did rafting, mt biking among others...
age 14 - Mr Anuar the man... maggimee wif cheese n egg discovered. Made the Huge chessboard
wif ernest n firdauz.... the slacking bugger... Missed BB LDC bcoz of tham ching loon... the ass
AEP so fun... tho stress... 2.4 timing 17 mins went for NDP - so fun... 10pm eating at LJS
age 15 - strange stuff happns in life... nt gd.. drops AEP... sigh.. meets alex- gets beat by him in class
too often... irritating 2.4 timing 15 mins. Sigh didnt go for BB drill com... the twists of fate...
Ah Selena Sio i meet at chatsworth Int'l sch... Stil eat like a pig during recess...
age 16 - grew up! Najib comments - woah! 2.4 timing... abt 14 mins or 13 i think stil fail... Did tt psycho thing
scratch my neck til bleed in class.. Class BBQ - finally feel ok wif class... God... almost totally no romance
during sec sch days... O levels were fun... slack at Macs b4 exam... go in almost not prepared.. watch one
me first midnite shows wif alex - Titanic- hahahaha
age 17 - Got to noe Isnis n teck n jib finally... the VJ orientation experience... wao... Falls in love (crush?): Vivi n Jolene..
pent up frustration man i tell u... spent days slacking n gng 2 pway or tampines or toa payoh...
JC life was good... Haoran n carrom! Atas acitivity like save the environment... Start visiting Terra Cafe for
expensive coffee- starbucks does not exist yet in Spore
age 18 - Mr T continues--- skip mr leong's class wif guys... wt an experience... finally studies...
tho i realise too late, onli studied well for physical geog... haha... oh well.. oh yar- A level geog paper -
NO TOPO Mapppp!!!! alas... amazingly get a A2 for chinese... Keith goes to CJC... sigh
keep my hair longgg during the break b4 NS
age 19 - ta-dahhhh the much feared NS experience n HENDON camp...
meet at pasir ris park - parents r seperated... first instruction "Walkman? cannot bring- give back parents"
cant rem much of initial - i think collected uniform, they confiscated the snacks and medicine, and after parents left...
we tried on uniform at trg shack - Giraffe nonchalantly tosses his uniform to ground... Sgt Soliano rips him a new one...
welcome 2 hendon... BMT summary: No rest .. run run run move move... up down up down...
Pilot experience .... snake tt senior kept... super cold aircon n stripes on the shoulder...
vomiting, biscuits and SDO duty... too much food... $1400 !!!
QM dept, slackers n indian superiors who also slack . back to BST n 4th coy I discover Initial D!!
age 20 - more NS... demo screw-up... god always feel weird when i see him in NUS ... best boatman n Staff --- wts his name? the psycho... everyth collapses... y did it happn? is it my fault or theirs?
LOBO n Gundam Wing ! back 2 3rd coy n the CQ trauma... australia- beer beer n more beer..., oh! first strip show
almost lost 1000s of bucks of store.... hai kena sabo man... think i teared on way home once while listening
to Angel - sarah mclaughlan
age 21 - Thailand... heh kena scolded by CO for being late.. so funny...held up entire battalion leh... : P
the scariness of 3rd coy cq yet comfyness - no more pressure of tt sort...
ORDDDD - the joy! n the NUS experience... the fate n destiny of gng 2 arts camp...
the Rag n the Arts Club... wanfen! heh... the screw up of mktg
the anti-social ness of sem 2 n anime bingeing.. the cheonging... wild... the enxi n ge ge korean drama
so much happening... 9/11 n tuan coming wif scars all over...
age 22-23 - the relative peace... eunice pric pris n frances... js nuaing thru this yr n the next
age 24 - Thailand trip!! Funn... Honours yearr - jas jas... sigh... work n stuff school is shiok...
age 25 - graduation n trips... slacking... OK now wat...
Messy - may edit in future
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Someth js occured 2 me while watching
Yakitate Japan ep 23-24... re-watching rahter...
its the ep where Azuma, the baking prodigy
explains hw his Japan (Pan=Bread in japanese) No.44,
while being such a delicious bread tt it occasionally
sends ppl who eat it to heaven for a temporary visit,
still causes those who eat it everday 2 get sien of it...
ie - his family, who positively rcvd it but grew tired ofit
when he continued makin the same Japan44...
Anyway - wt it reminded me of was abt the Bible- specifically,
the hebrews exodus - they were given manna fr heaven
by God for their food.. - manna is described as a sweet, honey
flavoured flaky bread ... well, the hebrews loved it at first,
but after eating ONLY tt for quite a while, they complained -
n then God gave them quails to makan as well...
OK now heres the thing - they were reprimanded 4 complaining
tt manna wuz the onli thing 2 eat. Nw this is tricky...
while indeed complaining wuz wrong, esp hw the bible often depicts
the hebrews as reali this unthankful, complaining bunch...
esp given their conditions... Yet... wt i hv a bone to pick with iis
a God, the creator surely knew of human's desire for variety..
altho i spose onli a buffet menu tt changes every mth would
be enuff 2 nt incite a complaint...
Wt i thot of is hw nature is so full of variety.. u noe those sci. stats
hw many species e.g.e.g in the thousands or wat...
Anyway - the God who created the various plants n animals for
human consumption - why would he onli provide one manna 4 the
hebrews? theres a certain inconsistency here isnt there?
i guess we got 2 hv been there 2 reali noe - its maybe HOW they said it
- "damn sien onli got manna 2 eat"
or "sigh its gettin borin this manna"...
or "ta ma de stupid God give us onli this thing... he so powerful surely
can give XYZ"
well. tts it
Yakitate Japan ep 23-24... re-watching rahter...
its the ep where Azuma, the baking prodigy
explains hw his Japan (Pan=Bread in japanese) No.44,
while being such a delicious bread tt it occasionally
sends ppl who eat it to heaven for a temporary visit,
still causes those who eat it everday 2 get sien of it...
ie - his family, who positively rcvd it but grew tired ofit
when he continued makin the same Japan44...
Anyway - wt it reminded me of was abt the Bible- specifically,
the hebrews exodus - they were given manna fr heaven
by God for their food.. - manna is described as a sweet, honey
flavoured flaky bread ... well, the hebrews loved it at first,
but after eating ONLY tt for quite a while, they complained -
n then God gave them quails to makan as well...
OK now heres the thing - they were reprimanded 4 complaining
tt manna wuz the onli thing 2 eat. Nw this is tricky...
while indeed complaining wuz wrong, esp hw the bible often depicts
the hebrews as reali this unthankful, complaining bunch...
esp given their conditions... Yet... wt i hv a bone to pick with iis
a God, the creator surely knew of human's desire for variety..
altho i spose onli a buffet menu tt changes every mth would
be enuff 2 nt incite a complaint...
Wt i thot of is hw nature is so full of variety.. u noe those sci. stats
hw many species e.g.e.g in the thousands or wat...
Anyway - the God who created the various plants n animals for
human consumption - why would he onli provide one manna 4 the
hebrews? theres a certain inconsistency here isnt there?
i guess we got 2 hv been there 2 reali noe - its maybe HOW they said it
- "damn sien onli got manna 2 eat"
or "sigh its gettin borin this manna"...
or "ta ma de stupid God give us onli this thing... he so powerful surely
can give XYZ"
well. tts it
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Lets try 2 b positive here:
But using "try" js feels wrong..
it should be: Lets think positive
or... lets be honest. Js sit back and look.
I am truly blessed. While I believe that
as truth intellectually, it can be difficult
to feeel that from the heart.
The last time i remember FEELING that
was when I was on a sbs bus during JC,
and the sun was out... perhaps in a tad
of a dreamy state- i remember writing
"the birds sing, the trees are always
green and sun warms those below it"
- to that effect...
What i have to be thankful for:
1) I was born with no physical nor mental
disabilities
2) I have never had real financial worries
3) My parents are good people
4) Hv never been pressured seriously
to do anyth - freedom?
5) Im kind of smart - tho ive learnt tt
nt as smart as i thot i was... Alhtough sometimes
I wonder, perhaps it was simply I didnt develop
myself - too complacent and let the early start
take me most of the way rather than run more on
me on steam...
tho these things become abit of a pressurising/
depressing thing. The though emerges: with these things
shouldnt I be something more now?
of course, whats done is done - i should js move forward
and change what I want to change while accepting myself.
its so strange- perhaps all of us are indeed inflicted, to
varying extents, of this strange contradtion - of feeling
insecure and disagreeable to the world, while at the same time
possessing an arrogant over-confidence that the world belongs
to us and we are better than others.
"Those that have time to think and pontificate upon life
are not exerting enough effort in simply living it"
wt u think?
***
Man i realy quite liked the Full Metal Alchemist movie...
alot of ppl were bitching on line and bashing it -
valid feelings
but seemed like abt half of em didnt like it cos
winry didnt end up wif ed n al...
it was cool 2 see the gang together-
n i think they did a pretty good job of wrapping up
the characters lives post TV series
Poor Roy Mustang-
Former Brigadier General and Colonel - nw a Corporal
based in some rural wintry guard post...
I wonder wt happned - some dude on animesuki forum
was referring to Roy's choice - self imposed isolation as
suggested by his speech in the movie:
and wondring y he did so...
I m thinkg wt happn 2 him after the series:
It appeared to me, in Ep 51 of the series, that he
had left the military along with Liza Hawkeye
and were living a nice couple's life. Tho evidently,
Liza never left - still a full lieutenant she is.
And they aren't living together... shucks..
Ok - these are the possible occurences:
1) He left the military dishonorably, either of his own volition
or was discharged to do so after his Rebellion; and proceeded
to sign on as an enlisted soldier - therefore, 2 years down
the road he is still only a corporal. Given the rebllion
on his track record- it is likely tt the military will never agn
give him a command - even a NCO position might be too much.
2) He stayed on but was demoted because of the rebellion,
but was given some option in his posting because of his former position.
It is unlikely that he is connected to the Furher' disappearance,
cos if he were- theyd probly hv jailed or hung the bugger rite?
so watever penalties he pays has to be cos of the rebellion.
An unlikely scenario, tho nice to think, is that
3) He left the military honorably, somehw convincing those in authority
of the justness of his actions and is merely pretending, perhaps in
agreement of the military leaders, to be a corporal... nahh-
no justification 4 this...
But so sad... hw many rank drop man...
BG>Colonel>LTC>Major>Captain>1st LT>2ndLT (or ensign)>WO>Sgt Major>Sgt>CPL
skipping many other intermediary ranks...
i wonder if he'll leave the military after tt... or mebe
hel get some credit 4 defending the attack agst HQ at the end of the film
but its so cool n funny tt his former subordinates leapt to it
when he marched in the scene and started organising the defence:
"The colonel's back!" - the funny bit, is Havoc going "Oho, the corporal's giving orders!"
He n Liza should js quite n go fark like bunnies...ok tts random..
seriously tho, the romantic element suggested at the end of the series
was reduced in the film...
It is possible tho, tt after Roy's recovery, he simply couldnt handle/resolve
his past failures from Ishbal to Hughes and of course, to Ed's disappearance...
It is almost Defn tho, tt Roy is simply used sortof as a plot/thematic device-
Ed returns and so does Roy to his former self/world
achieving closure.
Armstrong appears to hv left the military n is running for some
political/admin position at Lior...
situating much of the movie in 1920s Germany is pretty cool-
nt a pleasant choice, but it was done well methinks. I learnt some Nazi n
Hitler history from tt, assisted by the great wikipedia...
its the crossing of real and imaginary tts cool - to think tt
perhaps we obtained our knowledge of nuclear weaponry fr Amestris- Ed's world
n perhaps they had some hand in stopping WWII
I wonder wt happns to Alter-Hughes n Alter-Glacier...
much of these r pretty clearly fan service-
Sigh - is it the proof of a disturbed and inadequate mind tt im fixating on this?
Anime fans r scary things... tho i think cosplayers R even scarier ... brrr
no offence but sometimes js looks weird...
some stuff js doesnt translate well to reality...
bera bera.... ahh stoppp
sien...
i wan money
***
Sometimes, dont u feel like slitting someones, and our own, throat?
in a v cool anime-assasin kinda way?
it proli js a desire for power kinda thing...
desire nt 2 b manipulated but to manipulate- to exist
on ur own power... OWARI
But using "try" js feels wrong..
it should be: Lets think positive
or... lets be honest. Js sit back and look.
I am truly blessed. While I believe that
as truth intellectually, it can be difficult
to feeel that from the heart.
The last time i remember FEELING that
was when I was on a sbs bus during JC,
and the sun was out... perhaps in a tad
of a dreamy state- i remember writing
"the birds sing, the trees are always
green and sun warms those below it"
- to that effect...
What i have to be thankful for:
1) I was born with no physical nor mental
disabilities
2) I have never had real financial worries
3) My parents are good people
4) Hv never been pressured seriously
to do anyth - freedom?
5) Im kind of smart - tho ive learnt tt
nt as smart as i thot i was... Alhtough sometimes
I wonder, perhaps it was simply I didnt develop
myself - too complacent and let the early start
take me most of the way rather than run more on
me on steam...
tho these things become abit of a pressurising/
depressing thing. The though emerges: with these things
shouldnt I be something more now?
of course, whats done is done - i should js move forward
and change what I want to change while accepting myself.
its so strange- perhaps all of us are indeed inflicted, to
varying extents, of this strange contradtion - of feeling
insecure and disagreeable to the world, while at the same time
possessing an arrogant over-confidence that the world belongs
to us and we are better than others.
"Those that have time to think and pontificate upon life
are not exerting enough effort in simply living it"
wt u think?
***
Man i realy quite liked the Full Metal Alchemist movie...
alot of ppl were bitching on line and bashing it -
valid feelings
but seemed like abt half of em didnt like it cos
winry didnt end up wif ed n al...
it was cool 2 see the gang together-
n i think they did a pretty good job of wrapping up
the characters lives post TV series
Poor Roy Mustang-
Former Brigadier General and Colonel - nw a Corporal
based in some rural wintry guard post...
I wonder wt happned - some dude on animesuki forum
was referring to Roy's choice - self imposed isolation as
suggested by his speech in the movie:
and wondring y he did so...
I m thinkg wt happn 2 him after the series:
It appeared to me, in Ep 51 of the series, that he
had left the military along with Liza Hawkeye
and were living a nice couple's life. Tho evidently,
Liza never left - still a full lieutenant she is.
And they aren't living together... shucks..
Ok - these are the possible occurences:
1) He left the military dishonorably, either of his own volition
or was discharged to do so after his Rebellion; and proceeded
to sign on as an enlisted soldier - therefore, 2 years down
the road he is still only a corporal. Given the rebllion
on his track record- it is likely tt the military will never agn
give him a command - even a NCO position might be too much.
2) He stayed on but was demoted because of the rebellion,
but was given some option in his posting because of his former position.
It is unlikely that he is connected to the Furher' disappearance,
cos if he were- theyd probly hv jailed or hung the bugger rite?
so watever penalties he pays has to be cos of the rebellion.
An unlikely scenario, tho nice to think, is that
3) He left the military honorably, somehw convincing those in authority
of the justness of his actions and is merely pretending, perhaps in
agreement of the military leaders, to be a corporal... nahh-
no justification 4 this...
But so sad... hw many rank drop man...
BG>Colonel>LTC>Major>Captain>1st LT>2ndLT (or ensign)>WO>Sgt Major>Sgt>CPL
skipping many other intermediary ranks...
i wonder if he'll leave the military after tt... or mebe
hel get some credit 4 defending the attack agst HQ at the end of the film
but its so cool n funny tt his former subordinates leapt to it
when he marched in the scene and started organising the defence:
"The colonel's back!" - the funny bit, is Havoc going "Oho, the corporal's giving orders!"
He n Liza should js quite n go fark like bunnies...ok tts random..
seriously tho, the romantic element suggested at the end of the series
was reduced in the film...
It is possible tho, tt after Roy's recovery, he simply couldnt handle/resolve
his past failures from Ishbal to Hughes and of course, to Ed's disappearance...
It is almost Defn tho, tt Roy is simply used sortof as a plot/thematic device-
Ed returns and so does Roy to his former self/world
achieving closure.
Armstrong appears to hv left the military n is running for some
political/admin position at Lior...
situating much of the movie in 1920s Germany is pretty cool-
nt a pleasant choice, but it was done well methinks. I learnt some Nazi n
Hitler history from tt, assisted by the great wikipedia...
its the crossing of real and imaginary tts cool - to think tt
perhaps we obtained our knowledge of nuclear weaponry fr Amestris- Ed's world
n perhaps they had some hand in stopping WWII
I wonder wt happns to Alter-Hughes n Alter-Glacier...
much of these r pretty clearly fan service-
Sigh - is it the proof of a disturbed and inadequate mind tt im fixating on this?
Anime fans r scary things... tho i think cosplayers R even scarier ... brrr
no offence but sometimes js looks weird...
some stuff js doesnt translate well to reality...
bera bera.... ahh stoppp
sien...
i wan money
***
Sometimes, dont u feel like slitting someones, and our own, throat?
in a v cool anime-assasin kinda way?
it proli js a desire for power kinda thing...
desire nt 2 b manipulated but to manipulate- to exist
on ur own power... OWARI
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Food:
Eat chicken wings n chicken like xiao
eat n eat - stufff in fridge- js grab n eat
[gluttony]
Smoke smoke
drink beer on one day
n whiskey on the other
- k lar i guess nt nearly
tt bad...
oh yar- Porn porn watch watch n watch
n u noe wat...
[lust]
course- no spiritual stuff watsoever save
philosophical preponderance once in a while
ON THE OTHER HAND-
Have- eaten healthly-
watch watch diet-
but defn to limited extent
have - no coffee no alcohol watsoever
excercsied
of course- no sexual gratification watseover too-
no porn no nothing-
n the whole christian pursuit in swing
its nt healthy to swing fr wt seems 2 b one extreme
to the other- altho the "bad" extreme isnt tt bad,
in some people's eyes- but defn nt heatlhy-
ironically i think a swinger's lifestyle - go fuck ard
is at least "healthier"than stayin at home n imbibing
drink n virtual sex
*growlss
How how - can one... can I simply chooose
which one i prefer n NIKE regardless of feelings
n impulses-
control of the mind
hmmm
i think id do better wif DIRECTING the mind
to influence the body
rather than telling the mind do A do B
gosh- i havent grown up at all
wats with this adolescent grumbling?
sa...
owariowari...
Eat chicken wings n chicken like xiao
eat n eat - stufff in fridge- js grab n eat
[gluttony]
Smoke smoke
drink beer on one day
n whiskey on the other
- k lar i guess nt nearly
tt bad...
oh yar- Porn porn watch watch n watch
n u noe wat...
[lust]
course- no spiritual stuff watsoever save
philosophical preponderance once in a while
ON THE OTHER HAND-
Have- eaten healthly-
watch watch diet-
but defn to limited extent
have - no coffee no alcohol watsoever
excercsied
of course- no sexual gratification watseover too-
no porn no nothing-
n the whole christian pursuit in swing
its nt healthy to swing fr wt seems 2 b one extreme
to the other- altho the "bad" extreme isnt tt bad,
in some people's eyes- but defn nt heatlhy-
ironically i think a swinger's lifestyle - go fuck ard
is at least "healthier"than stayin at home n imbibing
drink n virtual sex
*growlss
How how - can one... can I simply chooose
which one i prefer n NIKE regardless of feelings
n impulses-
control of the mind
hmmm
i think id do better wif DIRECTING the mind
to influence the body
rather than telling the mind do A do B
gosh- i havent grown up at all
wats with this adolescent grumbling?
sa...
owariowari...
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